Raising third culture children

LIVE WELL / CJ Rodriguez

Not all those who wander are lost.—J.R.R. Tolkien

As our 15th wedding anniversary fast approaches, my better half and I have come to several realizations. One is that we really need to see about getting each other new wedding bands, as our original ones have mysteriously disappeared! Mine first before his, I am embarrassed to say.

This led us to make a more startling realization: the most probable reason our wedding bands have gone missing in the first place is that, in the 15 years we have been together, we have lived in five cities in four countries, and moved houses a total of nine different times! It’s a wonder we didn’t lose the children!

Our children are 14, 12 and 10 years old. You could say they are in that “interesting stage,” more so for my firstborn. These days, I have to constantly remind myself what an adorable, precious gift children are, especially when the heretofore precocious firstborn in question starts to withdraw, speaks only when spoken to (often in monosyllabic words) and seems to have become alarmingly surgically attached to her phone.

Every parent I know has his or her own ways when it comes to raising children, and we learned a lot by taking some of the sound advice given to us. But as we have moved around so much, we increasingly find ourselves in a unique situation where not all of our friends from home could fully relate to—that of raising third culture kids (TCK or 3CK).

What are third culture kids? Wikipedia defines it as “children who were raised in a culture outside of their parents’ culture for a significant part of their development years.”

It is with no small pride that I can say our children have largely benefited from living in different places. It has helped them become more confident in their interpersonal skills, allowing them to interact with people of different backgrounds fairly easily. Growing up amid varied cultures has also given them the sensitivity to respect the differences in people’s beliefs and customs. Living in countries where English in not the first language also compelled them to be functional multilinguists—at least enough that they can order food in that language!

We have also noted that our children have become quite adept in dealing with jet lag, understanding time zones and working out the in-flight entertainment system on long-haul flights. They have also become passably fluent in saying hello or asking where the bathroom is in five different languages!

But, for sure, there are challenges in raising children away from home. This concerns mostly issues with developing a concrete identity, perhaps a lack of sense of belonging, and even ignorance of one’s home culture.

As parents, we had to learn how to raise them away from home as we went along. It is fair to say some of our efforts paid off, while some were probably not so effective. But among the principles we applied, we found a few that have worked well for us.

First off, we made it very clear with the children that, no matter what place we found ourselves in, the Philippines will always be home. From day one, we tried to make it clear to them what and where their roots are. We are fortunate that the children actually spent time living and growing up in the Philippines, so, for them, home is not just a place where they spend vacation in the summer. They actually know what life is like back home.

We try to reinforce this by encouraging them to keep ties with friends and family back home—all easily done, thanks to technology. We speak in the vernacular, so the kids are still comfortable with the mother tongue, and even as we continue to explore our new host country and its environs, we make it a point to carve out time each year to go home and spend time reconnecting with family and friends. We also keep them abreast of the goings-on back home, even subscribing to the Philippine channel so they can watch programs from back home.

So while it is important to transition smoothly into the country you call home for now, in order to make it an even richer cross-cultural experience for the whole family, it is equally important to have a firm understanding of one’s identity and roots.